Eighty percent of tech support begins like this

CUSTOMER: When I press the ‘e’ key, the dog farts. No exceptions, happens every single time. He’s a small dog, but amazingly pungent. Please help!

TECH SUPPORT: I am very sorry to hear that you are farting excessively. We have never had a customer report this issue before. Can you please tell us the steps required to reproduce your farts? Here are some articles from our support database that you may find useful if you are an idiot:

• “Plugging in Your Computer — Everything You Always Wanted to Know”
• “Top Ten Troubleshooting Steps That Have Nothing To Do With This”
• “Defenestration Can Solve Any Computer Problem Permanently!”